南野 秀一, Minamino Shūichi / 蔵くら馬ま Kurama (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sinningtree) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
genkaitemple2024-03-08 01:20 pm
sinningtree) wrote in genkaitemple2024-03-08 01:20 pm
Kurahi Catch-All: Unspoken Thing
Unspoken Thing
The hardest thing about life is
when the person who gave you the most memories
becomes a memory.
when the person who gave you the most memories
becomes a memory.
how odd it is
to be
by someone that is still alive
Date※ 01/27/24 Injured: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 01/29/24 Insomnia: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 02/11/24 Intimate Bathing: ⋙ Post Series
※ 02/25/24 Loss: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/04/24 Unspoken Thing: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 03/19/24 Defrosting: ⋙ Post Series
※ 04/17/24 Garden: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 06/03/24 Kurama's Return: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 08/06/24 Picnic: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/22/24 Domestic Fluff: ⋙ Post Series
※ 09/20/24 Sickness*: ⋙ Resurrection
Chronologically
※ 01/27/24 Injured: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 01/29/24 Insomnia: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 02/11/24 Intimate Bathing: ⋙ Post Series
※ 02/25/24 Loss: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/06/24 Picnic: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/19/24 Defrosting: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/22/24 Domestic Fluff: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/04/24 Unspoken Thing: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 04/17/24 Garden: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 06/03/24 Kurama's Return: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 09/20/24 Sickness*: ⋙ Resurrection
Pending
※ MM/DD/YY Kissing Scars: ⋙ Timeline
※ MM/DD/YY Eating Together: ⋙ Timeline
※ MM/DD/YY Swear To Me: ⋙ Timeline
Blank
Rewiring The Garden
Nature helped, the scent of the garden, the evidence of his work coming together - even if he'd still hesitated to do much more with it than the few seeds nurtured to life upon his initial return. Of course, there was more than the flora to worry about out here. It was probably a good thing he hadn't gotten too carried away with replanting as the day's work focused instead on digging up and clearing out what was already there. With the more hands-on approach he'd picked up while human.
The underground network of wires probably didn't need replacing, but it seemed wise to have the optimal connection as far away from civilization as they were, and it gave him a job to focus on that wasn't pestering their guest. A job that would help him in the long run, to work out how he was planning to fit into this new life he'd inadvertently signed up for.
At least, that's what he'd told himself before setting foot outside, but now that he was out there - tools and equipment at the ready nearby - the fox had put the work off, instead simply enjoying the tranquil quiet of the space that basically amounted to his sanctuary there. Thinking and observing, as he had a tendency of doing.
Which means it's much later than he anticipated being out there, when he's still pulling weeds and clearing the area before he can even think about the next part of the project. All of it had really been more about finding a distraction to occupy his time than anything else though, hadn't it?
no subject
Hiei's appearances at Genkai's old place had become more common, now that Kurama was back. Of course, the fire demon would never admit that it was partially because of his old partner's presence, even the lingering bits of his demon energy in the area are soothing to him. Their future is still uncertain, steps around one another still a measured, careful thing just as much as what he says or when. But uncertainty has never stopped him before, nor will it stop him now, padding his way out of 'his' room and down the outdoor walkway barefoot.
It is so much easier to relax, here, despite their closeness to the Demon World. Despite how much he had hated being here in the short period after Kurama's death when he had lingered to be with Yukina; a bitter reminder right in front of him and fresh every time he smelled the lingering, sticking smell of Kurama on something mundane; it had never lost its ability to calm the fire demon. At least enough that he had never been tempted to smash something with the sheer force of his feelings in their once-shared space.
This time it's Hiei who's come upon Kurama at work in his garden, head tipping slightly to the side as he tries to riddle out what, exactly, the redhead is up to. He's barefoot and seemingly barely awake by the sloppy job he's done dressing before wandering out to see who was up and about at this hour.
Thankfully, it seems that the children are still asleep.
"What are you doing?"
no subject
Kurama, for his own part, was still trying to give Hiei enough space during his visits. While he's aware that a good deal of the fire demon's protest was performative - keeping a wall between them to protect his own feelings, rather than truly being done with the redhead - it didn't stop him from being careful. Not wanting to push so hard he tipped things completely in the wrong direction. Progress felt more like two steps forward, one step back most of the time, but the fox was unmatched in patience.
Truthfully, they'd never communicated as much as they should have before, and maybe Kurama underestimated his own importance despite it all - that even after his death, what was left behind might offer any degree of comfort. After everything, it was remarkable how closed-off Hiei could be, decades together and still the fox couldn't always read or predict what might come next. There had been times that the mystery of what the fire apparition might do only added to the relationship, he'd always been a fan of pleasant surprises, after all. His confidence in being able to understand Hiei, even with those cards held so close to his chest, certainly created conflict - or at least, complications - where the redhead might be presumptive in his understanding of the situation.
While he's not oblivious to the other demon's presence there, Kurama doesn't acknowledge him right away, working without pause until the fire apparition speaks, intentionally drawing attention to himself. He glances up as if debating how to answer that question, taking in Hiei's appearance curiously before responding.
"Just taking care of some things. A lot of the old technology around here could use an upgrade. We do need money to keep the place running, after all."
They had far more mouths to feed than Genkai had while living alone there.
no subject
In the demon world he can hardly spend a moment thinking about what was going on back at Genkai’s place as one misstep among the power hungry lurking in Mukuro’s halls could turn in to something much more very quickly. Never has he expected to live long enough, or amass enough power, to be in such a position. As amused as Hiei’s beneficiary is by everything going on around him, Mukuro is loathe to bring up what she already knows. After all, she would have to have gone nose blind to not notice the lingering scent of a certain fox on Hiei from time to time. It’s weaker than before, but there, and though she has no idea how that could be possible, announcing it where others may hear is a clear misstep so far as keeping Hiei in her general orbit.
Returning to the human world to check on Yukina and the children is a rather obvious cover story, but it’s also not untrue. The ice demoness had eased off of her issues with the fox as time had gone on, Hiei presumed they’ve talked on quiet evenings when the mood struck them, but he still wants to check in on her. The twins had made leaps and bounds in their own little silent language with the (relatively short) absence of their human partners, in the understanding that maybe it was only each other’s company and the children that kept them tethered to anything at all.
Only Kurama’s remarkable patience left them still in this oddly oblong and complicated orbit of one another. Anyone else would have thrown up their hands and given up on him by now, that much Hiei is very aware of. And yet he still struggled to trust his intentions. Struggled to believe that the fox was there for him and not just a means to an end that someone else wanted.
The thought had never struck his mind that maybe this could have all been circumvented if they’d spoken about his life before Kurama, before Team Urameshi. That was the fallacy of their typically demonic ways - saying “it’s passed” and moving on without thinking about the lasting effect it may cause further down the line. Aside from that, Hiei was hardly a talkative sort, much less when it came to his past. Surely it could be assumed that nothing had been particularly good in the demon woods?
Hiei hums lowly in understanding, seeming to take what Kurama is saying as they needed money sooner than later. Yukina did what she could, of course, but she and Hiei had come to an understanding not long after Kurama and Kuwabara had died. He had no need for any of the finery he was gifted with as a former king and right hand to Mukuro. Instead, that treasure and money would be redistributed to her to make sure that they all lived comfortably.
Some of those gifts had been previously lavished on his former partner, jewelry with particular accents or stones brought to the human world for Kurama to enjoy as a token of Hiei’s affection.
What Hiei pulls from his pocket and presents with a grunt meant to say ‘take these’ is no less fine, the jangle of a heavy bracelet and a chain of some length along with it telltale of what he’s offering from a certain distance. He is careful to avoid being too close, lest Kurama get the idea to hug him again.
More than a few, by the weight, but Hiei has never bothered to learn the true value of what he offers for sale. Things like precious metals and gems may as well be smoke in the breeze to him.
“Here.” He doesn’t specify what they’re for, assuming Kurama will understand what he means - to sell them to keep this place and his family afloat.
no subject
Things were quieter with Yukina now, they had spoken enough about his plans and intentions, the misunderstandings that led to this in the first place. She knew better than anyone else where he was coming from and what he'd hoped to gain by being there, but she was much easier to talk to and the stakes were far from the same with her than with her brother. He could afford to be honest and straightforward, and it benefited him more to do so.
For the most part, Kurama assumes that Hiei is there for his family. That, if anything, he's a deterrent, an obstacle to navigate around for the sake of the others. A role he'd come to accept, if it meant any progress with the fire apparition. If he could spend a thousand years in Spirit World alone, he could handle whatever this may end up being. He had no intention of giving up, it was the whole reason he returned, after all. The fox was prepared to spend as long as was needed getting them back to some level of stability, even if ultimately the outcome wasn't the one he desired most. The fire apparition tolerating his presence was enough, for now. It would have to be, performative as it may be.
As he'd said the last time they'd stood out here together, Kurama was ready to face whatever consequences for his actions, realizing now how much Hiei must have suffered in his absence, how much had been said between the lines that he'd missed or outright ignored to pursue what he'd wanted, instead. Kurama had refused Koenma's demands and attempted manipulations, ignored Yusuke's pleading, only returning when it was his own idea. Once he'd realized how much pain his actions had actually caused, even without the context as to why the loss had been felt so intensely, Hiei's own self worth amounting to more than the fox could account for.
He was back in order to do everything in his power to make it up to him, even if that meant existing this way for the foreseeable future, he was prepared for that outcome. His own personal hell as it may be, remaining at arm's length from the one he wanted to be closest to. Knowing that Hiei couldn't trust him under the circumstances, and really the fox couldn't blame him for that, all things considered.
Hiei never really talked about his past, even parts of that past which had been their present once upon a time. Kurama had some ideas of the fire demon's history, mostly broad strokes, and anything more that was for him to know, the redhead figured would be shared in his own time. Never factoring in how little time there had actually been for him to open up in the first place, with Kurama's looming mortality hanging over the entire length of their relationship. If he had known about the group who had taken the fire demon in as a baby, or his aspirations to die under Mukuro - the simple fact that Hiei had been so ready to disappear out from under them all without so much as a word all those years ago - Kurama would have approached things differently. Planned better, never left in the first place maybe, but something besides leaving him to his abandonment issues and negative measure of self worth.
The reality that the fox was too adaptable to fully understand the fire apparition's struggles was really the foundation of their issues. Kurama lived through loss, betrayal, reconciliation over decades and centuries without ever closing his heart in the way that Hiei had in order to survive this far. Never one to shut a door permanently or turn his back completely where it mattered. He'd always brushed himself off and moved on, the same as he was doing now, taking every perceived or direct rejection and rolling with it, until the next.
The humans had seen to any number of human affairs during their lives, both in how to best keep the bills paid while they were alive and how to provide for future generations. Finances were an important part of the children's education as well, those who would continue living there even after their parent's absence, savings and investments. The redhead knew nothing of the twins’ arrangement or how Yukina fit those gifts into the budget, but even now Yusuke had been contributing something, as well. Unwilling to step out completely despite Hiei’s complaints but assuring their visits didn't overlap to keep the peace. Something that was no doubt easier to pull off in those fifty years prior than it might prove to be in the present with the increasing unpredictability of the fire apparition's visits.
Kurama freezes as Hiei extends the offered jewelry out to him. While, yes, it is extremely easy to assume his intentions within the context of their conversation, that doesn't make the subconscious almost instinctively familiar gesture hurt any less. The pang in his chest, sinking pit of nostalgia that twists up inside him with the reminder of before. When such a gesture meant something else for him.
He doesn't respond right away and perhaps Hiei can read his discomfort in the tense way the fox holds himself, not looking up at him directly from his position crouched there. His reply is stiff when he does speak finally, guarded. “Perhaps those are best left with Yukina.”
no subject
For a long moment, Hiei is perplexed by Kurama's pause. After all, his intention for such a gift was clear enough in his mind, a token that Yukina would somehow do away with in exchange for money in some fashion or another. He didn't concern himself with the details of how much she got or what was done with the money provided that he did not come back and see them somehow suffering in some format or another. He had promised when they met that he wouldn't make her cry, and though he had managed to break that promise only once in the deepest throws of his mourning over Kurama, it was one too many so far as he was concerned. Firsts came in many formats, even for a demon now as old as Hiei, pushing back his own feelings of discomfort and grief at being at Genkai's again for Yukina's sake after Kuwabara had left them in short succession. Though there had been no spoken confirmation, the person Yukina had wanted most by her side at the time had been him, and despite Hiei's want, at that time, to simply no longer exist on this plain or any other..
He had gone to his sister's side, in an attempt to soothe her despite knowing all too well that no one could fill the hole that one's closest person left in their wake. Had continued to do so, despite his fitful visits, at times passing her over fistfuls of things he didn't need or care for as a means by which to fill in the gaps. He simply could not bring himself to become one with the human world as she had, a conversation that they'd only had to have once much to Hiei's relief.
Yukina understood, only insisting that he did not bury himself in his loss in the Demon World and visit them when he could make time. It was a simple enough request, though at times Hiei quite simply struggled to bridge the gap. Struggled to be in this place that was full of memories that were equal parts sweet and painful to him in the fox's absence.
Reminiscing over tea one evening had been the unexpected origin of the hirui Kurama wore, less perfect than those produced by Yukina, but all the more precious for the fact that it was a complete rarity, one of one with no intention of more coming into being. From the beginning, Hiei had always been doomed to tuck himself away and turn inward, away from the possibility of feelings or something as foolish as what had eventually come to be with Kurama. One family unit had already turned him away and decided they hadn't wanted him anymore, and yet he had been foolish enough to attempt it again.
The redhead's tense tone does not take him very long to parse. Once, now suitably long ago, he had brought Kurama gifts, bits of jewelry that he thought the fox might find fine enough, particularly if the motif was something he thought Kurama might like. Since his death, the fire demon has hardly bothered to really look at anything that he'd been given, other than to store it away to occasionally bring for Yukina or the children to pick through.
"I don't see the difference, as long as they're used well." Hiei eventually offers, though he pulls away to tuck the heavy jewelry back into his pocket. However inadvertently, he's tripped into this strangely inane way to hurt Kurama, despite that not being his intention, for once.
The fire demon flounders for something to say, quietly attempting to gather up something that wouldn't leave them in this awkward silence. They had been doing tenuously well, recently, despite everything... and he may have used the Jagan a bit more frivolously than he usually might in assessing Kurama's actual intentions, buoying his ability to set aside some of his own issues in something like an olive branch, though he had yet to express it or find a way to say as much.
"Yukina... shouldn't need much help. I bring her back boxes when I can." There, a step down to Yukina, a subject that is not them and therefore a bit easier to bite off.
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As a human, Kurama had given his whole life to Hiei. A life so short that it seemed like a waste to the fire apparition, but the fox had chosen to remain as he was and he'd chosen to spend as much of that time as he was allowed with Hiei as his partner. Even if he'd mistakenly believed that frustration with his human limits would have the demon leaving in self preservation before it was over. He'd been willing to take that risk, enjoy what time they had together, as limited as it may be.
Kurama was very much in the process of trying to come to terms with the shift in dynamic they faced now. While he was willing to accept whatever semblance of a relationship Hiei offered - the trade off for accepting his death despite the fire demon's wishes - he was also certain it would never be what it had been before and he wasn't exactly happy to have his nose shoved in the reminder, intentionally or not.
The fox doesn't respond as Hiei mercifully puts the valuables back, presumably to offer to Yukina later, instead. The better option, as far as Kurama's concerned. He's still unaware that Hiei had used the Jagan on him, having no reason to suspect as much despite not blaming him if he had been inclined. He finishes pulling the weeds there in the silence that follows as the fire apparition flounders for something more to say.
Hiei's attempt backfires in that it doesn't do much to make Kurama feel any better, or ease the tension, but it does earn him a response, green eyes glancing back to him once more as he speaks. The redhead brushes his hands off on his pants before pushing himself to his feet, ready to move on to the next task, but keeping his attention on his former partner for the moment.
“She's lucky to have you looking out for her. It couldn't have been easy taking care of this place alone.” While she had her brother, the fox knew he had resumed spending most of his time in Demon World after his passing all those years ago.
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Here, Hiei is met with an impasse that he had not expected.
That Kurama would be so thrown by jewelry, that something as simple as offering the fox a few pieces of jewelry that he had brought as something to keep Yukina and the children afloat would place them at odds hadn't occurred to him. He had approached as openly as possible, for him, trying at something a little less antagonistic, and had ended up there anyway. Fumbling his recovery, in the moments after is surely not entirely unexpected.
Hiei grunts his agreement that it couldn't have been easy - he'd had the same thought, which is why he had made such an effort to come when he could. If he'd had his way he wouldn't have come back at all, but for the sake of Yukina and the children, he could set his dislike of this place aside. As fresh as that dislike was, admittedly, primarily as it had been the last place where the fox had lived in his mortal body. Where he had chosen to go instead of stay, despite all of his fretting and effort at both changing his mind and attempting to keep him comfortable in those last few years.
For lack of anything that may sound smooth, or any small bit of conversation that might naturally lend to it, Hiei decides to follow his usual way of things. Coming in directly, perhaps too much so, simply for the sake of saying it.
"I know you're telling the truth." Somehow even getting the words out makes him feel lighter, though he knows what he says next may drive a stake in anything like progress between them depending on how Kurama feels about it. " - About why you came back."
In case he needs the clarification. Hiei shifts, unusually uncomfortable but also aware that he had broached something that he did not typically do with the abilities his Jagan eye gave him.
"I -" He pauses again, eyes darting away as he finally admits it. "I had to know.. so I used the Jagan."
no subject
Not that Hiei could possibly realize the complexity of his reaction, when all the redhead had done was shut him out in response. No sense in pointing out the way that rubbed salt in his wounds, not when he truly was trying to keep things as smooth as possible. He was still trying to make up for abandoning the fire apparition in the first place, keep the peace, Hiei hadn't done it intentionally, after all.
Those next words catch him by surprise, and momentarily the spirit fox regrets not occupying himself with something else during the rest of this interaction, fingers curling into fists at his sides, instead. He remains perfectly still, at first trying to parse just where this line of thought was going, taking note of the discomfort as Hiei fumbles through what he's trying to explain.
The redhead turns to face him completely while the other demon explains, regarding him in silence and waiting for that thought to finish with renewed unease at the admission.
“I see.”
A pause before he continues, posture relaxing some when speaking again. In theory, that should make things easier for him, but the fox never anticipated anything going one certain way over another.
“Is that why you came out here, then? To inform me. I imagine you found the answer you were searching for.”
Perhaps he hadn't actually meant to approach the topic, but Kurama wouldn't put either possibility past him at this stage.
no subject
For the first time since they had met again, after Kurama's death and revival, he hadn't come out here with the intention to do anything other than maybe attempt at casual chit-chat. Instead, he seems to be tripping over landmine after landmine, despite how little he had expected to do so by simply offering jewelry. Kurama's tension is at least understandable, in his eyes, after what he's said about the Jagan. He did not typically use the evil eye for such an application, despite what its reputation may be, simply because he does not like the idea of invading other's minds and their memories in such a way.
As incredibly private as Hiei preferred to be, treating others as though they did not want the same didn't seem prudent. Kurama in particular Hiei did not like to pry in to too much. The trust between them had been built and destroyed once, and though he was still not exactly willing to set it all aside as if nothing happened, the largest obstacle to them having any sort of relationship at all, friendly or more, lay in Hiei being able to trust that he was not here simply because of someone else's want. Koenma's in particular.
"Yes..." He pauses after the confirmation that he had (partially) come out here to tell him, hoping that the admission that he had done it to intentionally come 'clean' so to speak about a somewhat taboo would help. "But I... wasn't looking for a particular answer, just an answer." After all, he was looking to glean the truth, not prove something that he wanted to be true. After all, even knowing Kurama had returned only for him there is no guarantee that the fox wouldn't disappear again so far as Hiei was concerned. He was not, after all, any particular prize in his own eyes. The fire demon chooses to stay mum about what he has or has not seen for a little longer, perhaps his most intelligent move of this entire conversation thus far.
With that said, and more awkward feelings than anything lingering in his gut at what he perceives as Kurama being irritated at him.. Hiei is going to attempt to give him space, turning to head back toward the house.
"I should go and give these to Yukina."
no subject
While the fox was not thrilled by the idea of Hiei learning about anything else, he had no such reservations about his intentions. Kurama knows why he's there and the most direct and believable way for Hiei to trust that information was seeing it for himself.
His head tilts as the fire apparition continues, curious. “An answer as to whether or not I've been lying to you all this time.” Kurama didn't blame him, of course, Hiei was not stupid and the fox had never been the most subtle about his manipulation tactics.
If anything, he sounds amused. With his back turned, Hiei will miss the smile, but that doesn't stop the fox from continuing, acknowledging the out but offering the invitation to stay, instead. Subtle as it may be.
“They won't expire where they are, you know.”
no subject
"Yes.." It wouldn't be the first time that Kurama had twisted his words in one way or another in order to get him to comply. Of course, he'd become aware of those things over time, but it was hardly the time to bring it up by then. And in others.. well. He had willingly allowed it knowing that he wouldn't convince Kurama otherwise, nor would he win when it came to defying what Koenma or even Yusuke wanted from him at that time. These days it was obviously much different, whether any of them would admit it or not.
The amused tone in his voice stops his quick retreat, however, as confused as he is curious about where this entire conversation is headed. At the very least his assumption seems to have been wrong, or so he thinks at the moment.
Yes, he hadn't thought that Kurama would invite him to stay, but..
Hiei shifts, toward Kurama again this time, though he does not seem to know how to move things along from here. "It didn't seem like you wanted me to stay."
There. In the spirit of keeping things honest.
no subject
Green eyes shift away again, smirking faintly before he can find the words to respond, an attempted explanation.
“I was simply startled.” By his own oversensitive reaction, really - but he's not offering up that much, at least not yet. Kurama wants to move away from the topic of the jewelry, not double back to analyze it.
“You don't truly believe I would be upset by you confirming what I already knew to be true.” More of a question than a statement, despite the tone suggesting otherwise. The safer topic, despite what Hiei might think.
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The fire demon takes a moment to try and riddle out why Kurama may be startled, a small frown crossing his face as he does so. His mind goes to the more obvious point, using the Jagan in a way he typically did not enjoy doing in order to figure out Kurama’s intention. Perhaps he’s thinking a bit too much on the basic end, but Hiei has never been particularly emotionally intelligent.
Lately, Hiei isn’t sure he knows much of anything. When it comes to Kurama, or whatever was going on between them now. What the fox wanted was clear, or at least why he had returned was, even if Hiei didn’t really understand what had caused the sudden change in what he intended to do. Of course he had his suspicions, but if Kurama had been willing to go through with death despite everything that preceded it..
“More that I looked in without asking …” If it had been anyone other than Kurama, or a very select field of others, this conversation wouldn’t have been happening, of course. He simply would have invaded, gotten what he wanted, and been done without further comment.
… Asking might have ruined it, so of course his thought process is clear, he thinks.
no subject
Kurama had purposefully made a point of never bringing up what he wanted. He spoke of his intentions, of Hiei's wants and how the fire apparition refused to allow himself to admit them - at least, not out loud. The fox had no plans to make any of this about his own interests, or to even discuss them, out of an abundance of caution. His preference wasn't the point, he'd taken what he'd wanted before and it had left them both miserable in the end, the only concern he had now was mending whatever there was left to repair between them.
Of course, if Hiei had taken a look, there was little he could do about whatever the fire apparition might have uncovered. About his motivation or anything leading up to it over the past fifty years. Still, it was his goal to be as transparent as possible, the Jagan shouldn't need to be used in that way ever again.
Hiei might never understand. The fact that Kurama had chosen death all those years ago and pursued his own selfish desires without consideration for the wants of others, he'd had plenty of time to think it over, reflect on that decision while witnessing the outcome of those actions. As far as he was concerned, he'd made the wrong choice and would do whatever he could to make up for that, now.
“Had you asked, do you truly suppose you would have been satisfied with the results?” Hiei was far too suspicious, if he felt the need to go so far as checking for himself. Getting permission would have allowed Kurama a chance to mislead him, which would have defeated the entire purpose and the fox is aware of that, himself. It was less of a question, more of an acknowledgement that this was the only way it could have been done. No sense being upset about it when it was the most direct way for Hiei to understand what he'd been saying right along, seeing it for himself.
no subject
"No." The answer is resolute and quick. Asking gave Kurama time to try and deceive the Jagan that, while perceptive and able to dive in further than even Hiei may want it to, could be fooled. He would leave it to a demon of Kurama's stature to do so as well, if he's honest. It takes skill of many kinds in order to become that old and powerful, even if Kurama was infuriating in all the ways he had learned to be after all of this time.
All of that aside, Hiei is still unsure just how much of the 'them' that once was would be rebuildable. As much as the younger fire demon craved attention, craved Kurama's gentle presence and touch in unwordly amounts.. Kurama is Kurama. Who knows what he may think he knows better about next and where it may lead them both separately and as a possible unit. Once bitten, twice shy or something like that.
"Still.. I don't know how to move forward.." Hiei has never been in this situation before, after all. He supposes he ought to kowtow to Kurama's experience, but that seems a bit too much like the same, which tended to set a dangerous precedent where they were concerned. "I never set out to be with you in the first place..."
Perhaps that's not all that surprising to Kurama, though.
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Hiei continues speaking and the redhead waits him out. He doesn't really expect the fire apparition to know what he wants of things just yet, all Kurama had hoped was that he'd be open to something. They could figure out what that might amount to along the way, the same as they had before.
While the last thing said is no surprise to him, the other demon hadn't set out to be with him, the spirit fox had done the pursuing and knew it. Over years, with much patience and honestly more surprised by the eventual reward than he'd ever let on. Saying it now though, in this context, felt much more like a door closing, a decisive statement. He hadn't wanted any of this in the first place, but at least that meant it was a door Kurama had been prepared to find closed on his return.
The fox's tone is carefully neutral, refusing to acknowledge the hurt carving a hole in his chest with those words. While he means what he says, it feels hollow and empty despite his efforts, delivery almost a little too casual for the subject at hand.
“I realize... and I am not asking that of you.”
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Maybe Hiei had come to Kurama’s company differently than most. Hell, he hadn’t even believed him at first when Kurama had told him who he was under his human disguise. Perhaps differently from others, too, Hiei had not intended on anything other than a working partnership with the spirit fox. As always, Hiei’s eyes had been firmly set on reclaiming the power he’d lost with the jagan surgery, on training himself in to the ground if that was what was needed.
Sure, “helping” Yusuke and Kuwabara on their assignments had somewhat gotten in the way of that goal. So had dithering occasionally in the human world to spend time in the redhead’s comfortable company, or in Yukina’s. But he had still accomplished it all, in the end, enough that he had been fine with dying right out from under them all in Mukuro’s training.
None of this Kurama knew, of course. That once Mukuro had forced him to live, it had been Kurama’s blatant affection, all of their collective insistence on involving him, that kept him in the Human World much less living.
“You’re lying.” Hiei asserts, hands returning to his pockets. For one it doesn’t align with Kurama pulling him in and kissing him, their thankfully interrupted amorous display from before. For two.. Kurama is too carefully without tone. He knows Kurama, after all of these years, as much as they both hate to admit just how intimately they know each other’s habits. For another… it suddenly clicks about Kurama’s reaction earlier to the jewelry. He had used to gift him all kinds of trinkets with the same casual motion, a sign of his fond affection for the fox over their years together.
As much as earning Kurama’s affection had never been his intention or focus, it is now something that Hiei dearly misses, much to his own chagrin at his weakness.
“I will never understand why you put so much effort toward me - I contented myself with that from the beginning.” A small pause, and somehow Hiei is still talking, though his tone says everything about the unsure footing he’s on putting these things to words.
“The same as I don’t understand why Mukuro forced me to live all those years ago other than her own curiosity.” And want for a companion who understood that level of suffering, he’s sure, but there are no doubt many demons in the woods that could provide that if that was what she needed or wanted. The demon woods lacked nothing in stories of suffering.
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The accusation has him tensing again, starting to wonder if he shouldn't give up on this whole exchange. Maybe Hiei had been right to leave before digging himself any deeper and now here they stood, instead. Hiei should know better than anyone that he isn't lying, after what the fire demon just revealed. The kiss had been a misstep, a regression on their progress into friendlier territory, but that fragile moment of weakness had demonstrated without a doubt just what the fox was hoping for, he couldn't pretend otherwise if he wanted to. Still, Kurama got this far in life by being pragmatic, and his expectations have not changed since his arrival back on Earth, he hadn't returned with hopes of gaining anything for himself.
“If you used the Jagan, you must know I am not.” it was true that they knew each other too well, and that Hiei's accusation was more multifaceted than that was obvious enough, but the fire apparition continues before he can say more.
Even after all this time, it seems that Hiei doesn't understand him as much as he thought. Troubling after they'd spent a better part of a century together, but still not surprising considering how much of their relationship had hinged on their unspoken nature. Kurama doesn't even have a moment to process the news that even after all this time he still couldn't understand, when Hiei moves on to the next grenade launched into this conversation.
“Forced you-?” This, he had no context for. Why would he? Hiei went off to serve under Mukuro the same as he'd gone to deal with Yomi and no discussion had come of his time there. “What on Earth are you talking about?”
Of course, he doesn't know. Kurama lacks the context for when this happened, considering how much time he knows Hiei spent in Mukuro’s company after his departure, as well. From his end of things it was equally possible that Hiei had intended to die far more recently than before they'd even been involved with each other. The idea that it was so long ago and that the fox's affection was the tether keeping him invested in staying at all, back in those days, is not the immediate direction his thoughts go.
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Other than Hiei's ability to put himself up shit's creek with his own stupidity, realizing self-worth is the other skill completely lost on him. Even with all of Kurama's effort and Yusuke Urameshi's faith in him, Hiei still struggled at the thought of it. He had always been a forbidden child meant to be done away with, never meant to survive or succeed. Perhaps he had internalized that a little too far in his early years with the bandits and after having been abandoned by them.
"When I arrived at Mukuro's..." Hiei pauses here again, seemingly struggling with himself. This had been his to bear for long enough, an event that had come and passed with little fanfare other than from demons who had hoped to be in his place that hadn't made it there. ".. I was placed in the basement so she could gauge my strength. 500 A class demons, in hoards, were sent at me before she decided to pit me against Shigure as my final test."
Hiei grits out that name even now, something in his mind set off by the doctor who had put him through such a terrible surgery despite the fact that he had asked for it.
"To end it, I sacrificed my left arm -" Hiei moves to touch where there is a fine hair line scar, small and inobtrusive now that he divulges the injury that had caused it. "- And allowed myself close enough that the sword nearly bisected me so that I could make the hit I needed."
He feels he doesn't need to explain any further, that his injuries had not been survivable without outside assistance. "I was content to end there, but Mukuro was not. Only with the help of her tanks Shigure and I made it to fight at the King's Tournament."
He wouldn't go into the rest of it. The things revealed between the two of them of their mutual suffering was perhaps a step too far. To share Mukuro's part, at least, was not his place. It doesn't feel entirely right to reveal this to Kurama now, years after the fact but.. even Hiei is beginning to realize that it is the things that went unsaid that left them where they are now, in part.
"Does that answer your question?" He's genuinely trying not to sound begrudging.
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Kurama's struggle right now is with the fact that he'd clearly, in all those decades, failed to do the one thing he'd set out to, in his relationship with Hiei. It was true that he hadn't ever wanted it, and if his complaints were to be believed, hadn't come to appreciate it with time, as the fox had hoped. That means he has to do things differently going forward, even if it puts some distance between them in the interim.
He's watching the fire apparition intently as he continues, reminded vaguely of the similar test Yomi had set for him, but he doesn't have a chance to even begin to dwell on the obvious differences when the subject shifts to Shigure, instead. They both had their experiences with the surgeon, but Hiei's felt far more personal, the way he says the name nearly making Kurama forget their awkward fumbling moments before. It certainly puts the timeline into perspective, at least.
Green eyes fall on the familiar scar with the movement, idly wondering how many more the other demon must have by now, with the way he's been living. How many countless marks he has accumulated that the redhead couldn't know the origins of, even from before. Stories he'd never been told, injuries he wasn't present for. He doesn't answer right away, mulling over the situation before he trusts himself to speak again, cautiously.
“It brings up several others, actually.”
As much as he barely reacts to that story, the fox turns it over in his mind, trying to make sense of things, now a whole century later and so far removed from their lives in the present. So much had happened since then, so much time has passed without his awareness that any of this went down. His fight with Shigure was not so easily forgotten as countless others over the decades in those tournaments, and yet this new context only tangled the situation more in his mind.
That aside, there was also the matter of Mukuro, and why she'd go to such lengths only to revive them both. At least, Hiei's continued loyalty to her supplied some insight into what she'd gained from the decision.
“I anticipated having more done by now. I haven't even been to the clearing yet.” The spirit fox looks over his abandoned project, with scrutiny before glancing back to Hiei. This wasn't getting finished, that much was certain.
“Care to join me?”
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He may have been so lucky as to appreciate his time spent with the fox if he hadn’t had such a short span (in the demon sense of things) without some kind of worrying about the redhead’s aging. His physical appearance Hiei couldn’t care less about - it wasn’t only Kurama’s outer appearance, human or demon, that he valued after all. But as his human body began to fail him with all the creaks and pains that came along with it, so deepened Hiei’s anxiety about his partner. Enough that he had put aside his progress in demon world to watch over him himself, wordlessly dismissing the fox’s insistence that he ought to go and move on.
In retrospect it stung somehow worse for Kurama to push him to be away long before he was actually gone.
All of it aside, pushed back as “passed” in the typical demon way, is now the reason Hiei has the gall to sigh as Kurama says it brings up more questions, in fact. Stirring up all of this may not have any effect other than making Kurama curious, and while he had done this to himself… sharing his personal struggles or brushes with death has never been Hiei’s forte. He has usually been quite adept at picking himself up and brushing off from cruelty or near death, only to find that losing his source of softness had crippled him in a way he couldn’t have anticipated.
It doesn’t occur to Hiei that his story about Shigure may shift Kurama’s feelings about his fight with him - another thing they’ve never outright spoken about. His assumption is that this news won’t change anything, that Kurama is wondering why he’s telling him at all. Even Hiei is unsure what has spurred him to say this much.
At the very least the redhead doesn’t launch in to a list of questions about what he’s just said right away, though the invitation earns him a long, suspicious glance. Not all that long ago Hiei had been unsure Kurama wanted him within his orbit at all, and now..
Now he nods, gesturing for Kurama to lead the way. What harm could it do that hadn’t already been done before to follow him to the clearing of demon world plants?
“We may want to bring something for the carnivorous ones, in case they’ve been unlucky lately.”
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Of course, Kurama was blind to the fact that Hiei's increasing presence in human world over the last few decades was not by choice. That his steadily declining health kept the fire apparition essentially trapped in his own anxiety as he fussed over the fox, instead. He'd truly thought Hiei had adapted to being there as part of the family, even though he knew there was at least a part of him that would have preferred to be home. The idea that it was his care that kept him glued to the Temple in a realm he'd rather not be would only serve as a new source of guilt for his previous actions.
He had tried at first, to reassure the fire demon and urge him to go back. That he didn't need to be here full time, especially if it was only for Kurama's sake. He had also tried over the years to encourage Hiei to get out more, even if only physically because the older he was, the harder it would be for him to keep up with their previous habits. Context he was sure could only make sense to the fire apparition in hindsight. After all, he'd never seen a human grow old and pass in short order before.
For all the times that Kurama had promised the rest of his life to Hiei, they had never really talked about it in any clarifying way. There had been no label or title, promises of monogamy, just his presence. The notion that he would always be there, whenever Hiei returned from demon world (barring what time he also spent there) no matter what. The details of what happened outside of when they were together had never been a concern, at least not to the fox. They certainly hadn't been discussed previously. Hiei would never understand, it was all in an effort to prepare him, protect his feelings from what was to come.
For now, Kurama stays quiet. Focused more on his current goal than Hiei's past. Curious was not the word he'd use here. The fire demon never really seemed to grasp that anyone might feel another way about him though, concern, grief. Anything of meaning. While the spirit fox was skilled at not letting things said in anger get under his skin, it was the more casual deliveries that slipped through his defenses. Things not said with the intentional goal of harm, but simply because they were the truth. Honesty unrelenting like barbed wire.
The fox hums at that response once Hiei is done staring him down suspiciously, he turns as directed, starting towards the forest before bothering to reply.
“Anything that survived over fifty years without assistance certainly doesn't need anyone else's help now.” Perhaps that was the concern, but Kurama wasn't worried about it, either way.
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"Mn." The agreement is easy, but the fox knows as well as Hiei does that the fire demon has always been partial to their carnivorous plants from the Demon World. Of course he would, considering his own tastes for bloodshed and the like. He hadn't exactly stopped by to feed them, the memory of their time there still too fresh even when he'd been at the compound. Too often he'd spent his time where the children had been otherwise distracted or asleep in some space that had once been 'theirs.' A garden, the room that had, in the end, been Kurama's but was more often than not across the years shared between them.
Eventually, bathing in his own lack of deserving had grown old, even for Hiei. Of course, he should have expected that in the end, it would be him alone, again. The self-fulfilling prophecy of never having deserved that type of affection in the first place, and removing himself before he could possibly take another hit, had been all too easy to achieve. A better way to assuage his own yet again building anxiety of waiting for another shoe to fall, of Yusuke or Yukina deciding that he was indeed everything that Kurama had fought not to make him, and then to actively prove it.
At the very least the walk to their old spot is not interrupted by Hiei further dumping information onto Kurama's lap, probably much to the fox's relief. Instead, he simply reaches up to greet a plant as it come down to him, gently patting it on its large, budding head like a proud father.
"I would have been surprised, if you hadn't still been here."
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Still, his focus is not the forest or the plants that Hiei's concerned about. It is the lack of deserving the fire apparition is struggling with, clearly to this day. His own frustration that nothing he'd done in nearly a century together had helped and - if anything - may have actually made the situation worse. Not that this was about him.
He glances back as Hiei pauses to greet one of them, smirking faintly. “Don't get too distracted, Hiei.” They weren't stopping here. Whether the fire demon follows right away or not, the fox continues on with a single focus, using his energy to part a clear path to his true destination, close enough to the Demon plants and Dark Forest to be concealed from unwanted guests, but separate all the same.
An otherwise empty field of flowers, most of which a fairly distinct variety of purple.
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