genkaitemple | Kurahi Catch-All: Unspoken Thing

Kurahi Catch-All: Unspoken Thing

Unspoken Thing

The hardest thing about life is
when the person who gave you the most memories
becomes a memory.

CODE

how odd it is to be

date chronologically pending

haunted

visuals blank playlist

by someone that is still alive

Date
※ 01/27/24 Injured: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 01/29/24 Insomnia: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 02/11/24 Intimate Bathing: ⋙ Post Series
※ 02/25/24 Loss: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/04/24 Unspoken Thing: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 03/19/24 Defrosting: ⋙ Post Series
※ 04/17/24 Garden: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 06/03/24 Kurama's Return: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 08/06/24 Picnic: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/22/24 Domestic Fluff: ⋙ Post Series
※ 09/20/24 Sickness*: ⋙ Resurrection
Chronologically
※ 01/27/24 Injured: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 01/29/24 Insomnia: ⋙ Dark Tournament
※ 02/11/24 Intimate Bathing: ⋙ Post Series
※ 02/25/24 Loss: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/06/24 Picnic: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/19/24 Defrosting: ⋙ Post Series
※ 08/22/24 Domestic Fluff: ⋙ Post Series
※ 03/04/24 Unspoken Thing: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 04/17/24 Garden: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 06/03/24 Kurama's Return: ⋙ Resurrection [completed]
※ 09/20/24 Sickness*: ⋙ Resurrection
Pending
※ MM/DD/YY Kissing Scars: ⋙ Timeline
※ MM/DD/YY Eating Together: ⋙ Timeline
※ MM/DD/YY Swear To Me: ⋙ Timeline
Blank

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Kurama would expect no less, almost anticipating the fire apparition to clarify that he had been feeding them at one point, which was why he brought it up. Although if he had, the spirit fox would have thought that would come up before now, with their earlier conversation about Hiei's frustration over the plants that had failed to thrive in his absence. Surely, he would have mentioned that at least he had kept these alive. Regardless, he's certain whatever remained fed on the wildlife and low level demons too slow to evade them, Kurama naturally didn't waste time on plants that couldn't hold their own.

Still, his focus is not the forest or the plants that Hiei's concerned about. It is the lack of deserving the fire apparition is struggling with, clearly to this day. His own frustration that nothing he'd done in nearly a century together had helped and - if anything - may have actually made the situation worse. Not that this was about him.

He glances back as Hiei pauses to greet one of them, smirking faintly. “Don't get too distracted, Hiei.” They weren't stopping here. Whether the fire demon follows right away or not, the fox continues on with a single focus, using his energy to part a clear path to his true destination, close enough to the Demon plants and Dark Forest to be concealed from unwanted guests, but separate all the same.

An otherwise empty field of flowers, most of which a fairly distinct variety of purple.

… Hiei… well. He favored the carnivorous plants over Kurama’s more mundane greenery, that much was for sure. It gave him a small piece of the Demon World while he was not there for long stretches of time, usually spending his hours immersed in Kurama’s company. Their little secret place at the edge of the woods where they could escape their ever growing extended family for a few quiet moments together, or boost the plant growth in a few amorous minutes if that was more the flavor of the moment.

Hiei spends a few moments with their now impressively large pet of sorts, happy to see that it was still thriving and wasn’t too miffed about his long departure. After all, this was another area where Hiei hardly wanted to spend time without the company of the Youko. It seems to have done better, comparatively, a hearty mix of flowers and plants that could withstand neglect and fend for themselves.

It takes Hiei a few minutes but he breaks away to follow the fox, still unsure about what this visit to their former spot will bring. He stays at length more out of habit than anything, observing the stretch of colors in front of him.

“Somehow this is still thriving.”

It was that comfort that gave the impression Hiei might have visited them during his absence when he did bother to stay at the temple for Yukina's sake. Kurama is not thinking about the ways in which they'd used this space in the past, the memories that might make the location an unpleasant reminder of their previous adventures or even how they had ended. Something to be wary of, under the current circumstances.

Kurama is patient and not inclined to rush him, barring the initial tease. It wasn't as if he'd get lost in such a short distance when he does decide to follow. Besides, if the idea was to bring a sense of calm, it only made sense to allow Hiei the experience he favored. Which, in this case, seemed to be catching up with one of his favored plants. He actually smiles at the fire apparition's words when he catches up, watching him curiously from where he stands.

The fox stretches, slow and lazy. Even if he didn't really need to, it felt nice after being crouched over and pulling weeds early in the morning. He doesn't bother trying to nudge Hiei into joining him, if he was going to, he would and if he was uncomfortable pushing him would do neither of them any good. For now, the redhead just lowers himself to sit in the grass, seemingly unbothered by how much taller the plant life around him had become in the meantime.

“Wildflowers don't truly need much assistance, if anything they do better without interference. When nature is disturbed, they are one of the first things to come back, thriving in the absence of whatever had been before.” Hiei does not care about plants, he realizes, but Kurama had been confident even before arriving that little had changed here with him gone. The predictability of nature was comforting in that way. Even if it does sound metaphorical in regards to his own death.

Hiei takes in Kurama’s casual body language, the way the fox settles himself in to the grass, both familiar and uneasy all at once. He can’t help himself - he had once implicitly trusted the redhead, but he could not shake the thought now of why Kurama had brought them here. Putting himself at enough distance to be able to move if need be is a small soothe, his frayed and worn nerves that are well over a century well worn at this point within reach of snapping.

If only the fox spirit’s return could have been easy. Smooth. Like sinking in to what they had once been like nothing had ever happened. It’s a far fetched thought, of course. Nothing could ever go smoothly here he was involved.

“If they do so well untouched you didn’t need to come back here to check on them.” Suspicious? A little. He wonders why they’re sequestered as such, now, eyes narrowing ever so slightly at his former partner.

“Are you going to enlighten me or make me wait?”

While part of his reasoning was simply that he wanted to relax for a bit, intentionally keeping his distance was meant to give Hiei the freedom to do as he chose. Kurama is still a fox, extremely aware of the fire apparition's wariness and how any unpredictable move can set them off in the wrong direction. They seemed to be back on unsteady ground, which was not his goal.

It wasn't as if he anticipated anything between them to be easy. Perhaps easier than it was proving to be, but he'd be lying to say the majority of the experience wasn't expected. Both in knowing that Hiei was hurt and would act accordingly, and his own inner conflict over perhaps deserving the majority of it.

The retort catches him by surprise, expression shifting with the confusion as he tries to puzzle out what exactly Hiei is even getting at with what seems to be accusation. As if he'd tricked him into coming out here.

“I never said I was checking on them.” He watches the fire apparition carefully as he speaks, head tilted just slightly. Kurama didn't want to admit he was frustrated by how little he'd accomplished in the garden, that he didn't want to continue standing there through whatever conversation this had become. He wasn't sure that Hiei couldn't somehow make that his own fault if he said as much out loud, either. If he said he'd needed a break, would the fire apparition assume it was from the conversation itself?

The redhead glances away, as if peripheral movement caught his attention, before adding the rest. “You could have declined the invitation.”

Hiei is still lost when it comes to Kurama's intention to allow him to do as he pleased. He still, almost damnably, believes that the fox will do as he wishes to, will at least attempt to bend things in the way that he now very clearly knows that he wants after that kiss a few days earlier. Allowing him all of this choice, all of this ability to decide where they do or do not go is a double-sided coin - Hiei knows what his heart wants, but he is also well aware of what his mind is saying in the aftermath of everything before. The resulting war between the wants of his mind and the wants of his heart leaves Hiei in constant flux, unsure from one moment to the next of what it is, exactly, he is working toward.

The fire demon's eyes roll as Kurama says that he hadn't said they were checking on them. What was the point in coming here otherwise? Of course Hiei did not see something like gardening as relaxing. Hell, he hadn't known anything other than constant anxiety and indecision for coming on a century now. The idea of sitting down and being able to relax in Kurama's presence and forget the world again seems like an entirely new and almost unthinkable thing to be able to do.

And so he stands, at enough distance he feels secure, arms crossed over his chest in clear 'do not touch me' body language.

He could have denied the invitation. That much he cannot even slightly deny - but then his intention of at least spending some time with the fox was for naught. And... well. He hadn't come out there this morning with the intention of making a mess of things, for once. After a moment of pause, debating how to respond, Hiei decides to simply go with the most straightforward explanation. That seems to have been working to his advantage, so far, when he wasn't unintentionally being hurtful.

"I haven't been back here, even once, since." He avoids saying since Kurama had died - he thinks that they do not need the repetition of the fact. Abandoning a place that had been only theirs like this was a simple decision, in the long and short of it. It had been easier to linger in their once shared room, to eventually leave it once Kurama's scent had faded, than to face down this place in particular.

More than anything, that was what made the kiss such a mistake. He'd meant to demonstrate that had he really intended to do whatever he wanted, he'd be acting accordingly. Instead of keeping his distance to give Hiei the time and space to make his own decisions.

Allowing him all of this choice was a deliberate and calculated maneuver he was hoping to see pay off in the end. For now, he waits. He's already resigned himself to the reality that Hiei may never trust him again, and should that be the case, he would simply have to accept supporting him in any way that he could. It wasn't as if the fire demon didn't want him around, that much was certain, the question was more about what capacity he was going to allow. Where they would go from here.

Kurama observes Hiei's posture, not surprised in the least by the shift to guarded, defensive. This had thrown him for a loop, which perhaps should have been expected. He resists the urge to sigh at the fire apparition's apparent perception of his motives, but doesn't comment. Of course, he's not expecting Hiei to find being there relaxing by virtue of standing around in nature alone. Enough time surrounded by the specific plants that grew here - the more potent demonic varieties in particular - would have an impact, though. That much he knew.

Green eyes shift up curiously, lips quirking into a faint smile with the admission. The fox leans back, palms against the ground behind him for support, speaking from his own experience.

“Since our last venture out here together.”

Edited 2024-05-29 20:58 (UTC)

In the time spent away, Hiei has had time to forget about the plant varieties in this little clearing and their effects. Far more likely is he's stuffed down every bit of memory about this place that could prove painful over time to save himself, an ability that he's mastered time and time again. If he hadn't stuffed things down and moved on from the ice village or his first demon 'family' he may never have come out of the demon woods to meet Kurama or, eventually, Yusuke and Kuwabara.

As begrudging as he had been about nearly that entire episode of his life.. a part of him now misses it. Rowdy 'family' gatherings at Genkais, the quiet, hungover mornings that followed until most were too old to want to participate anymore. And here..

Their last venture out here had been so long ago, and so.. stressful, now that he thinks about it. Hiei stays quiet at the reminder, staring out at nothing as a frown finds its way to settle over his expression that wasn't his basic scowl. A wash of memory comes over him in an all too familiar fashion, the concern for his ailing partner's change in blood pressure that had led to his assertion that they could no longer come back here. It occurs to him, after a moment, that Kurama can see him, and soon the fire demon is taking a note from his partner's playbook and turning as if he's spotted something in the woods to the side as an excuse to turn away.

For lack of anything else to say, Hiei lamely offers an observation. "At least this stayed green."

Change and loss were a part of life, an inevitable reality that the spirit fox knew all too well for all too long. While he was just as capable of missing the life they'd created here over the years, that was the tradeoff for association with humans. They aged, grew sick, and passed on. Demon deaths came far more abruptly, which was another reality to contend with. For someone who evaded death no less than three times, he was pretty comfortable with it as a concept. He could appreciate the time they did spend together rather than be embittered by the loss - after all, the end came for everything eventually.

The redhead's own expression drops to a frown when he sees Hiei's reaction. The fire apparition had handled the situation in short order, in reality probably saving his life at the time. Of course, after something that traumatic, the fox had no intention of risking something similar again, and easily complied with the demand they not return. That had been then, things were much different now. Still, it was obvious that the fire demon was unsettled by the reminder, even if Kurama hadn't been able to predict as much. He had simply assumed the incident couldn't have slipped Hiei's mind when extending the invitation.

For the moment, he doesn't respond, sitting up more and resting his arm on an upturned knee, instead. He can't say any of the things that occur to him in that moment. It was clear that the topic is uncomfortable, even if the conversation makes him realize just how lucky he'd been. Acknowledging it now was pointless, with their track record lately it might only start another conflict and more tension is the last thing he wants between them.

He debates before responding cautiously, nowhere near any of the things he wishes he could say. Hiei remains too far away for him to do anything even if he wanted to, which he realizes is the point. “You know they won't bite if you take a seat.”

The silence between them used to be comfortable. Hiei remembers it like a warm blanket on a cold night, being able to sit in silence and not have the stretch of it feel heavier by the second. And yet this is how it stands, now, the fire demon very carefully holding himself just far enough away to be out of reach; attempting to hide the tumble of uncomfortable feelings by turning away. It was useless in front of Kurama, even after all of these years, and yet he still tried.

For both of their sakes, really. For Hiei’s pride as much as keeping this incredibly tenuous middle ground they meet on free from even more heavy feelings and possible subjects to fight about.

The fire demon turns slightly as Kurama speaks, quite literally turning his head just enough to indicate he was listening. His eyes simultaneously fall toward the ground and the flowers littered there. No, they wouldn’t bite. Not literally, though they could take some of the bite out of the memory echoing in his mind’s eye right now.

Hiei settles stiffly, curled and tense around his knees when he finally comes to rest. He angles himself so that Kurama is visible from the corner of his eye, instinctively keeping the other where he can see him. The trees above stretch taller as he comes to rest in the ground, grateful for the view as a distraction. It’s easier when he isn’t staring the subject of his heartache in the face for minutes at a time. His chest doesn’t feel so tight, anxiety refreshed anew for many different reasons.

For the moment he focuses on breathing. Slowly, recentering himself as he takes measured breaths and reminds himself that this was different. They are meeting here again under egregiously different circumstances.

“With you, anything can bite.” And he is not just referring to plants.

If anything, it was Hiei keeping himself at a distance - walls up and so carefully turned away - that made his efforts useless. If the fire apparition could meet his eye it would indicate a level of unbothered that can not be accomplished in such a defensive posture. It keeps the fox equally tense, trying to navigate the mine field between them delicately and not upset the balance of whatever shaky truce this was amounting to, so far.

Hiei settles finally and Kurama lies back in the flowers as if consciously making the effort to keep himself lower and unable to react as quickly, should the fire apparition feel uncomfortable enough to move. Some of the plants along the border do shift, as if to confirm the accusation, but nothing that grew within this space was meant to be dangerous.

Green eyes close with a soft sigh, taking a moment to listen to the wildlife that managed to live this close to the demonic forest and survive. The retort doesn't go unnoticed, the double meaning perhaps overlooked in favor of the more obvious barb intended. Even the most innocuous unintentional acts could cause harm, somehow he'd set something off without meaning to, which seems to be their norm these days.

He's not going to argue, rolling onto his side with his back to Hiei, instead. Idly running his fingers through the flowers there, if only to give his mind anything else to focus on while he thinks before speaking hesitantly, “Perhaps coming here at all was unwise.”

The mine field between them, aside from the tactical nuke in the center, seems to grow wider and more full by the day. Try as they both might to avoid things that may set them back, or make things worse… it still happened. Unknowingly, with the most innocuous little movements or sentences that seemed neutral enough in the moment only to be proven wrong.

Treating him as a squirrelly wild animal seems to be the correct track at the moment, the fire demon’s tense body language easing slightly as the fox lays back. Slowly but surely his careful treatment as well as the flowers’ effects are working. It was not a fast process, but nothing with Hiei ever had been.

Hiei ought to be thankful for the fox’s determined, gentle care. And yet …

Yet here he is, huffing some sound of joint amusement and agreement. Perhaps it was unwise to come here and sit among the memories of them and their past. The fire demon misses the other implication entirely of course, eyes turning up again as his hands meet the flowers and dirt, digging in ever so slightly.

“Many things along the way were unwise.” Perhaps even his allowance of this at all, giving Kurama the lenience that he had not given others.

It seemed the more careful they were with what was said, the more likely it was to inadvertently cause harm. The exact thing they were trying to avoid doing in the first place.

The amusement is unexpected, but the fox doesn't turn. Lifting his head enough to pin an arm under it as a pillow with a soft exhale. The things he wants to say are held back by the knowledge that Hiei's cynicism would never see them in a positive light. Lies, means to manipulate, the list goes on. He's had too much time to think about everything and the more the fire apparition reveals, the more conflicted he becomes about his own role in his partner's hurt and turmoil. The demon's own self appointed torture, believing that he deserves what comes of it, regardless what others may say and always have.

“True. Not that it's anything you aren't already aware of, I’ve caused you a great deal of suffering over the years.” Decades of it, even before he'd passed on. “If I'm being honest, I have been incredibly selfish for quite some time.”

Of all the things that Hiei has endured, up until this moment, Kurama’s departure surely ranks highly. But in the grand scheme of it all, of all the things that haunt him while he tries to convince himself to sleep, the recurring themes are ones that have haunted him his entire life. From the moment he had been regarded as a beast, as cursed and meant to cause nothing but suffering as an infant, Hiei has simply come to expect it.

Suffering was simply a fixture in his life, in some form or another. To fight it would be like trying to become a completely different demon altogether.

Hiei sinks down to his elbows, slowly but surely succumbing to the flowers sweet smells and lulling effects. A hum rolls from him in a sort of agreement, though softer and less even a hint of some form of amusement about it all.

Their effects are, partially, what draws some truth out of him instead of some barb about Kurama and selfishness.

“Suffering isn’t anything new. It’s been a constant since my birth, so to expect it to go away is a fool’s errand.”

Hiei had internalized his abandonment, convinced somehow that he deserved it and should in turn, earn it. Kurama is unaware, of course, of his own role in perpetuating this cycle. While he realizes he's caused harm by leaving in the first place, he doesn't have the context of how the fire apparition justifies it as even more evidence of his own shortcomings. How, in a sense, the fox abandoning him was simply an inevitability that he'd only confirmed by choosing to die rather than stay.

The words have him looking back over his shoulder with Hiei's assurance, as if he's meant to suffer. The redhead sits upright abruptly, turning with the motion as green eyes narrow, practically snarling the retort. “That's hardly the point-”

All at once fingers curl into a fist at his side, before he's taking a deep steadying breath and glancing away again. “Regardless of what you may have gone through in the past, those who care about you should not be contributing to it.”

Hiei hardly bats an eye as Kurama sits up, though he at least does turn to look at him. For the fire demon, there is no reason to be worked up or get wound up about something that he has always taken as a fact. No matter what he did, who he became, and what power he gained, it was better to stay to himself. Kurama's choice to die had only made him further resolved. He had tried, had remained by the fox's side, and taken care of him in his old age and through his aches and pains, and all of it had ended up the same in the end.

Kurama's fists curl at his sides and Hiei settles on his back, red eyes focused on the sky instead of his partner. This seems to have sparked something for the redhead, but for Hiei it's only the repetition of what he's come to know as true.

"Maybe you did care, at some point." Kurama liked to play the long game, but not enough to play into something like leading him on for as long as they had been in that form of 'together.' Hiei sighs, eyes closing, seeming to give in to the flowers' calming effect after who knows how long he spent fighting.

"Or at first it was a game and then felt comfortable. I don't care to know, now."

The abrupt switch from anger on Hiei's behalf to anger at him practically knocks the wind from his lungs. Kurama doesn't respond right away, too busy taking several deep breaths in order to maintain control - unintentionally calming breaths with the potency of the demon world pollen surrounding them.

It's enough to clear his head a bit, the blinding hurt and anger from that accusation subsiding long enough for the redhead to understand how little sense that logic makes when considered analytically. He blinks for a second before finding the words to argue his point.

“You're lying,” A mirror of the fire apparition's own words earlier that same morning. “Perhaps you simply bluffed before, but you can't truly believe this unless you never actually checked for yourself as you claimed. So, which is it?”

“I did check.” Much to his own chagrin, at that. At least if he hadn’t there wouldn’t be the lingering guilt of having done something he typically wouldn’t have, or the compulsion to say as much.

But it nags at him, really. Why is it that now Kurama cares enough to be here? To live along with him instead of simply deciding to pass on to the spirit world and be done with it finally.

Hiei sighs, brows creasing for a moment as he debates how to put it.

“But coming back for me..” He pauses again, weighing the words.

“I don’t understand. I couldn’t give you enough reason to stay.” No, he hadn’t exactly been asking most of the time, in those many tenuous conversations, but it wasn’t as though he hadn’t been trying otherwise. Where he lacked with words, Hiei tended to put in more effort to show.

“If it wasn’t enough then, it won’t be enough now.”

He's still guarded, anger lingering at first, as Hiei confirms once more that he had. His unease on the subject comes too naturally to be anything but honest, though. Which leaves the redhead to conclude that despite knowing without a doubt, the fire apparition simply could not comprehend it.

When Hiei sighs, Kurama lies back in the flowers again, calm and patiently awaiting what comes next. “That decision was made long before anything you could have done to change it.” It's his turn to sigh, rolling onto his side to face the fire apparition, instead.

“I had accepted death as part of my human life. I suppose ... it was naive of me to hope you had accepted all of me as I was, as well.” He swallows, trying to find the words before continuing, fingers once again raking through the shades of purple, white and green beneath them.

“Perhaps I had convinced myself that you understood. That you wouldn't have stayed through all of it, otherwise.”

Hiei had known, in some part of himself all along, that Kurama truly intended to make good on dying when he grew old. The fox had never held back that fact and yet… maybe it was a young, naive hope of his that he could change it. That his attention and affection would prove to be enough to convince the fox to stay.

Of course it hadn’t - another fool’s errand he had devoted himself wholly to.

“You have never been fully human.” So to call it a ‘human life’ despite it all.. had never made sense to him. Again, a writing on the wall that Hiei had conveniently ignored in hopes that Kurama might change his mind. But then the fox has to go and say that he thought he wouldn’t stay.. and suddenly Hiei’s eyes dart from the tree ceiling to Kurama’s face, a frown darkening his expression all over again.

“I did stay, though.” Up until that last moment that he hadn’t been able to force himself to face - but maybe that had been the biggest mistake.

“I wouldn’t abandon you with your body failing you at every chance.” But the fact that he had stayed didn’t change anything about Kurama’s decision. “Instead you tried to take every chance to push me to leave you behind.”

Kurama remains silent, letting Hiei talk before risking a reply. This is not at all where he thought things were going to go while they were out here and now every time he tries to find secure footing he loses ground once more. Hiei frowns at him as he continues, the way his gaze snaps to the fox clear indication he'd struck a nerve.

For starters, the human comment. “Maybe not, but my unique circumstances remained unpredictable. It wasn't a certainty that I would even grow old until it happened. By then I'd already made up my mind.”

The rest is harder to respond to, frustration visible as he tries to sort his thoughts. “You did, yes. That much we both know, however, my mistake was in thinking that meant you had accepted things as they were.” Hiei's eventual tiring of fighting a losing battle, swallowing his own feelings about the path the fox had chosen whenever it became too much for another round of conflict between them, thought to be signs of his adjustment to the inevitability as it approached.

“Hiei,” The redhead pushes himself onto an elbow, head tilting as he considers how to continue, just how transparent to be on this. “Death is easy for no one. For humans, aging is an inescapable part of life, everyone has some experience with it. Demon life is much different, as you well know. I thought, perhaps, if you had- other priorities… it might ease the transition for you.”

At no point had he actually wanted the fire apparition to leave, but he was certain spending all of his time in human world babysitting the aging fox at the compound was not the best for him. Insisting he go to demon world on occasion only seemed logical from his position, when that was all Hiei had talked about in the past. Admittedly, he never expected that he would leave him behind entirely, even if he had listened.

Hiei makes a hmph as Kurama says his circumstances were unpredictable. As it were, where they stand here and now, he still thinks that Kurama shouldn't have pushed his presence on him until he had finally accepted his advances. How long had it taken before he finally gave him and allowed the fox things like affection and his time? And after that... they hadn't exactly been afforded very much time.

Particularly in the sense of demons and their lifespans.

"You dismissed me." They were on a roll with truths, so why not just continue to deliver his frustrations? The things he hadn't bothered to bring up because Kurama would have some all too casual explanation for it instead of actually addressing it. "If I brought up a concern, if I tried to bring up the possibility of staying, you were oh so casual about tossing it away instead of addressing whatever I had to say."

A pause, and a sigh. "I gave up."

Even Hiei had his breaking points it would seem - he hadn't accepted anything, but he had learned that attempting to change Kurama's mind was much like slamming his head against a wall. But if that was what Kurama would give him... it was obvious what his choice had been. Staying because of his affection for Kurama and his own sense of duty had been the easy choice that felt less like abandoning him.

"You thought I would find someone else." It's an accusation more than a question, and Hiei sounds less than pleased at the thought of it, at that.

He glances away, dropping back to the ground and focusing green eyes overhead as Hiei explains. It's not until the last thing he says that Kurama speaks next.

“I'd hoped, perhaps, with some time...” another slow breath, head tilting towards the fire apparition once more. “While it had occurred to me that I'd done more harm than good, by then it was already too late to make a difference.” Hiei wouldn't leave him, and Kurama wasn't backing down in his own conviction even if he could have. The fox didn't think he would go out and find someone else, not so quickly anyway, but perhaps with encouragement he may at least be open to it.

“I should have considered what you were going through before it got to that point, I realize that now... far too late. In the moment, I thought something might change in my absence-” Fifty years had taught him otherwise, and he's glancing up again, determined to get through to his next point and unable to keep his gaze steady throughout the rest of it, eyes darting from his former partner to the scenery with uncharacteristic unease while he continues.

“As I said, it was selfish of me and that is my regret to live with. The truth is, you gave me every reason to stay, it was my decision not to, but you deserved better than that.” Even if death was inevitable for him, he knew now that Koenma would have brought him back if he'd simply said the word. He'd wanted to the whole time, after all.

“It was never on you to be enough. I am the one responsible for this, I can not change the fact that I didn't stay before, but I can be here now, in whatever capacity that may entail going forward.”

In a way, Hiei is tempted to reiterate what he's said before. He hadn't even been looking for a relationship with Kurama - what made him think he would be looking for something with someone else after him? But repeating himself did not change the point, nor would it change anything about what had happened, now. They could not go back in time and change how things had happened between them, and yet knowing as much did not stop Hiei from seething about it all. There had been many years that he could have utilized to move on, of course, and yet it still found him here, frowning as Kurama speaks, but very carefully not interrupting what the redhead had to say.

Kurama's uneasy body language, looking at him and then away, says enough. He is uncomfortable with the conversation, and even though it shouldn't, Hiei is ever so slightly enjoying watching the fox squirm a bit. He had spent long enough twisted up and unsure of what the hell to do about any of it on his own, to have it be Kurama's turn was more than enough for him.

Silence stretches between them as Kurama finishes, Hiei both allowing his partner time to speak again if he wants to as much as simply rolling it over in his mind, thinking about how he wants to reply.

"I don't know in what capacity I want you around, yet." Yes, even now he can feel the tug of war between his head and his heart, the attention and affection he wants versus his mind's reminders of what happened when he allowed the fox in before. Learning to trust him in the first place, beyond in a fight, had been a struggle.

"I don't know that I can trust you in the same way as before, now."

He hadn't been looking for anything with Kurama and yet, it had happened anyway. Better that Hiei said nothing or he might have just pointed it out. Not that being repeatedly told how unwanted he was to start with was doing any favors for his own conflict about everything. It's a wonder Hiei even allows him to finish, twisted up in his own guilt about the whole thing as he is. Kurama knows without a doubt that if he had any idea it would have turned out this way, he would have backed out before any of this could have happened. The fire demon has every right to feel angry, hurt betrayed. While the spirit fox may have the capacity to extend the benefit of the doubt well past that of the average person, Hiei had no such luxury.

He's maybe not uncomfortable in the way Hiei thinks. The fox has struggled with his guilt on this right along, but to actually be in a position to express it- that was different. While he's not uncertain, Kurama is hesitant to add more conflict to Hiei's built up resentment, to pile on or suggest any expectations with his words now. He'd keep his gaze averted except for the fact that he’s checking on the fire apparition as he speaks, tentatively testing how far he's allowed to go before being shut down.

Imagine his surprise when he's not interrupted at all, the silence hanging between them once he's finished with what he had to say. When Hiei does respond it isn't anything he wasn't expecting. Kurama turns onto his side once more, no longer watching the fire apparition carefully for every hint of a reaction. When Hiei speaks he thinks he's heard this before and knows where it's going.

“My answer hasn't changed. I don't expect you to, and I am not asking you for anything. I will be here regardless, whatever you decide.”

Kurahi Catch-All: Unspoken Thing

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)